The Identity Trap: Why We Struggle to Keep Resolutions
Every year as the champagne pops and fireworks light up the sky, we make promises to ourselves to change for good our health, finances and lives as general. Often times, however, our enthusiasm loses momentum and we fall back into our old habits. In a recent Forbes article it turns out less than 19% of those surveyed managed to keep their New Year’s resolutions for 1 month, 16% for 3 months and only 11%. for 6 months. According to the article, January 17 is also the day that can be declared as the official “Day of the Quitters”.
Why we find ourselves unable to change our behavior even though we understand how important this is?
When we try to keep our New Year’s resolutions, the instrument we most often turn to is our will-power. We hope that through it we’ll be able to steer our behavior in the direction we think is right, and although this statement is not wrong, it is incomplete and insufficient. The will is a tool that has the ability to work as long as we have a resource that I call “emotional fuel”. The emotional fuel is that enthusiasm and elation that we often feel, for example, around the New Year holidays and the constant suggestions of a “new beginning” and “everything is possible”. This messages soak up in our mind, and give us emotional inertia. This is extremely important because people make 90% of their decisions on an emotional basis, and only then rationalize them with their intellect. If we have emotional fuel, we have the resource to substrate motivation and put our will into motion. Unfortunately, this resource is quickly depleted, especially in the modern world, and a few weeks later, when everyday life and stress catch up at capacity emotional fuel quickly starts to descend upon us again and we return to our old ways. We begin to blame ourselves or become resigned to the fact that we clearly do not have the necessary qualities to change. Either we postpone the change for another “more convenient” moment, or we completely give up the hope that we are capable of it.
The reason we fail is that we are actually trying to change our behavior — without changing its primary manager — the identity. We a have identity that has been built by our parents, peers and ourselves through the course of our life. Unfortunately, few have gained enough awareness to build their own identity and most of us settle for what we have “inherited”. It begins to take shape from the day we are born and continues its construction and restructuring until our death. Although many of its main features are shaped in our childhood — many of its additional functions can be edited at a later stage. For the most part, our personality is immersed in our subconscious and the processes that occur in it, but at our “demand” these processes can be accessed by our consciousness and subjected to changes. This is important because in order to succeed in changing our behavior and habits, we must change that part of our identity that does not allow them to be edited!
What is identity?
A person’s identity is like a suit that we wear without taking off for so long that we already perceive it as part of our body. We have different manifestations of our identity — different avatars we call personalities. Some are “athletes”, others are “partygoers” and still others think of themselves as “introverts” or “will-less”. Each of us has a story about ourselves that we tell to the people around us and to ourselves. For example, if you hear a person say “I have no will-power” this is not simply a reflection of the fact that he made a promise to himself that he failed to keep! This person have adopted the personality of “a weak person” and it is for that reason that whenever his “emotional fuel” runs low and motivation begins to melt away, his behavior reverts to the old identity. Identity is like a north pole to which the arrow of our behavior will point whenever there is no other stronger stimulus to guide it.
To change our behavior permanently we must edit our identity and especially those manifestations of it that conflict with the behavior we want to change.
Can identity change for real?
We perceive our identity as an integral part of us that cannot be edited. However, this is far from true — our identity is built and destroyed daily based on our actions. To change our identity, we must first separate ourselves from it and see it from aside. Our identity is the sum of all our experiences and knowledge since the moment we were born, shaped by our own interpretations of them. Its main function is to help us fit into the world around us so that it is safe for our existence. It watches daily how we act, what we think and what words we use. It’s easier to influence it early in life and harder when it is developed, but not impossible. The identity is a watchdog whose job it is to match our actions with its “macros” and if it finds a discrepancy to correct them. If we suddenly start acting illogically, it will alert our subconscious and force it to take retaliatory actions. That’s where self-sabotage actually starts.
For example, if as children our will was often broken for one reason or another, we have built an identity of “weak-willed people”. This identity has “protected” us from being hurt, because often times adults methods are to use verbal, emotional or even physical abuse to force their children into the “correct” behavior they require. When we bend our will like children — the abuse ends and the stress decreases. Eating all your food without protesting even you hate it makes you a good boy or a girl and you get love and acceptance. What you learn on the backend however is that galping food equals emotional warmth and happiness. In this case our brain associates reduced resistance with safety and thus constructs an identity that calls itself “weak” to actually protect us from pain. This is a model we might want to reconsider in our adult life if we are trying to control our food relations and eating behavior.
How to approach identity change
To change our identity we must make conscious the patterns that are underlining it and if these patterns are no longer relevant — destroy them with no mercy. They maybe once worked for us and made us feel safe and secure, but we need to cut them of like a salamander’s tail if they are hindering us from progress at this point of our life!
Step 1: Assume that identity change is possible
If we want to change our identity and its manifestations, we must first admit that this is possible! Many of us give up on change before we even try to achieve it because we suffer from the limiting belief that once an identity is established, it cannot be adjusted. This is 100% not true! Our identity can self-actualize and people who have fallen into difficult life situations such as disasters, operations and diseases with severe consequences discover a “power” within themselves that they did not suspect existed. What actually happens is they rewrite the code of their identity based on two things — the stress they experience and their reaction to it.
Step 2: Choose your new identity
If we want change we must know what we want to change towards and what we want to escape from. Commonly in health and fitness, people want to be more active, have a stronger will, have more control over their actions ext. When we choose our new identity, we need to define it with concrete words such as: “I am a strong-willed person”, “I am disciplined”, “I have strength and resilience”. These are statements that we need to make part of our new identity as healthy and strong people.
Step 3: Validate your new identity
Our identity constantly monitors our actions and updates itself based on them. If our actions begin to contradict “Its program” then It will try to persuade us to follow it by appealing to our subconscious. This is a normal act of self-preservation. At this point, we need the will-power to ignore the impulses of our subconscious. Knowing that this is only in the first phase of resistance, should reduce a bit the discomfort of applying will-power, because we don’t need will-power to the end of our life — we only need it to the point where we collect enough evidence to support our new identity. Often times, this is where most people give up and decide to go along with their subconscious urges. However, if we continue to resist our old self long enough, sooner or later it will begin to reconsider the adequacy of its old programs and edit them based on our new behavior.
Words: The words we use to address ourselves (the way we talk in the mirror) are extremely important — both self-talk and in front of other people. Thinking is nothing more than just talking to ourselves and it becomes real through words. Words are commands (queries) we put into our minds. As a responsive software — whatever command we give to our consciousness — such will be the result. Use different words for yourself, even if you don’t firmly believe in them at first. Belief comes as consequence supported by evidence.
The Environment: To acquire and maintain a new identity you need to place it in an environment where it will feel comfortable. Probably the environment in which you live (clothes, home, car, social contacts, etc.) is a reflection of your former identity. Begin to gradually change your environment to suit the new one better. Start with clothes, rearrange your home and belongings, buy goods and appliances that are in tune with your new self. The way you look in the mirror with your clothes on is not less important than the way you look without them. Investing in items and clothes that fit your new healthy personality will support your transformation, but you must be aware it is only a support. You can’t “buy” your new identity. Get together more with people who support your new identity — if you don’t know any, look for new acquaintances by attending events where you are likely to meet such individuals. I know that this step will sound extreme and even absurd to some of you, but the truth is that if we realize that our life and health are at stake, then we better take this card seriously before circumstances force us to do it. He who does not know how to sow in spring — will have to learn how to beg in autumn… Don’t be that person!
Conclusion
The main reason why we fail to change our behavior is because we are trying to change our behavior without changing the manager of that behavior — our personality. Our identity, which is like a suit we wear, is built from our experiences and influences from our childhood and beyond. This identity influences our behavior, and if it conflicts with the behavior we want to change, we will fail. To permanently change the way we act and react, we must change our identity and its conflicting manifestations. Our identity can be changed as it is built and destroyed daily based on our actions. To change our identity, we need to separate ourselves from it and see it as a separate entity. Our identity is a watchdog that checks our actions and if there is a discrepancy, it will alert our subconscious to take retaliatory actions. To change our identity, we need to act illogically for it and build a new one that supports the behavior we want to change. Only then we’ll will override the self sabotage incline we experience when trying to manifest change in our life.
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